The tan oak seems to mock me as I wait nervously for a response from beyond it. I wish I was Clarice again. Joshua opens the door slowly. His eyes widen as he recognizes who is standing in front of him. He turns around quickly and assesses the situation in the room behind him, then steps into the hallway and closes us both out of it. ‘What the hell are you doing here?’ he hisses as he puts his back against the door. ‘I came to see my son.’ Joshua shakes his head violently. ‘You don’t have a son, remember? It was just too much for you to bear. You couldn’t cope with chemo and doctor’s visits and just having a family in general.’ I stare intently at the grain in the door above his head, trying to tilt my head up high enough that the tears are unable to trail down my face. I nod slightly, admitting that what he said was the truth. ‘I deserve that,’ I say through the lump in my throat. ‘I know I deserve that. Is he asleep?’ ‘That’s almost all he does,’ my husband whispers. ‘He sleeps and. As westood in line, I noticed a man in a beautiful brown suit with awonderful fedora hat watching us. I looked away, then back. Then Iblushed. Yep, I actually blushed because a woman standing in the $2 linewith a 20-year-old charge has no business casting eyes on a man in the$50 betting line. That would have been my entire stake for the day, $50bucks. And he was fixing to blow it on one race. Hopefully, he knowsmore about horses than I do.We both made our wagers and returned in time for the start of the thirdrace, I lost again and yet another ticket found its way to the pittedconcrete pavement beneath my heels. I could feel the wind tugging at myhat by this point and I secured it with a chin strap. Don't ask me toexplain, guys, but I also know that a chin strap can be positionedbehind the ears – aren't ears the handiest thing you've ever seen? Makegood ankle rests, or so I'm told!After the fifth race I excused myself from the group and went to thebar. Although my young friend could.
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